buying BANNED tiktok shop products...

Introduction

Introduction

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Amazon or Shein had a freaky little baby with TikTok? Welcome to the horrors of TikTok Shop. I had no clue what this was until last year when I moved from Canada to the United States of America, and all of a sudden, my TikTok was not so normal. So, I investigated and explored and found out that TikTok Shop is not just annoying—it has an evil side to it. You're about to become acquainted with it.

The Piercing Kit

As a rule of thumb, you should not be buying anything that can stab you from TikTok Shop. But alas, we have a piercing kit. I don't know why it says it's for Valentine's Day; nothing says "I love you" like stabbing someone. What am I going to pierce, you ask? I'm going to pierce my ear, my nose, my nipple? No, I will be using this $ 2 piercing kit to pierce my toe. They include some earrings to pick from. I know which will look best on my "grippers." Safety first, let's put on some gloves.

This has got to be like a Guinness World Record or something. Who has pierced their toes before? So, I guess the needle goes in here, and then you go. It's like an actual needle. This is actually the Pain Olympics, like gold medal finals. Sanitize everything. This is giving me PTSD from when I got my ear pierced at Claire's. I don't know how HD this footage you want, but ew. I don't feel it. Look how cute this little charm is, this little butterfly. Alright, now we put the piercing into the hole. What the heck am I doing, bro? What the heck? I said, what do y'all know about this? Do you think it's beautiful? Do you think I'm beautiful?

The Rose Toy

Now I've accidentally purchased Rose toys twice in my life, but it won't happen a third time. This time, it's not an accident. TikTok Shop technically doesn't allow you to buy adult toys. See, I searched Rose toy, and the first thing that came up was an electric facial scrubber, and the reviews confirmed my suspicions: "Do not purchase, my fellow explorers, it will get lodged." Let's order it. Sonic facial brush, I just know this has been in orifices. Wait, it has a plus button to make it go faster. Look how strong this thing is. You're trying to tell me this is for skincare?

The Neck Cracker

When I was buying banned Amazon products, I found this neck cracker that cracked my neck in a way I wasn't entirely prepared for. But I present to you the spiritual successor, the second pelvis breaker. I don't know how to set this up, to be honest, but this feels like doing an evil Lego project, except instead of making a fun little house, I'm going to snap my pelvis in half. So I found the instructions. It says before use and after use. I guess you put each foot on here, and then you pull this. Jesus Christ. Ah, so here's my pants.

The Lip Plumper

I love those pants. Now, I don't know if you remember the Kylie Jenner lip challenge of 2015, but it was basically—don't do this—people were putting their lips into glasses and sucking until their blood vessels ruptured, and their lips became humongous. People were getting stuck. I remember at my school, teachers banned it and were suspending kids for doing it. Imagine my surprise when I see that TikTok is selling something that does the same thing. So we're going to order it. We've got the lip plumper. It says, "Thank you so much for choosing our lip pump." We always do our best to offer an alternative to achieving naturally fuller, sexy, and charming lips without the use of medical procedures. I didn't know that Kylie Jenner could have just got this.

You're supposed to hold it for like two minutes. Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is my lips before. They're bigger. I feel like they're already going down.

Uranium Glass

What else is banned everywhere that you couldn't possibly get on TikTok Shop? I don't know, uh, a nuclear missile, uranium? Uranium? I found this item labeled "unique uranium glass," and I thought that couldn't possibly be real uranium, right? It couldn't possibly be real uranium, right? I'm putting on gloves for this. All the other TikTok Shop packages came in a used Walmart bag. This is what Oppenheimer transmitted the first nuclear bomb with. Now, uranium glass, although it has uranium in it, apparently isn't too radioactive.

Is that the uranium? This is just a lava lamp with erectile dysfunction. What the heck? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, oh hell no.

Laxative Pills

Out of everything I've seen, I'm most scared of these laxative pills. I've never taken laxatives because if I ever needed to clear a blockage of my bowels, I would just have to smell cheese, and I would kill myself. But this review said, "At first a rumble, then a flood, then a gation of bowels exploding into the ether and peace. Four metric kilos of poop over 72 hours." I'm really scared that these are going to be pills because I can't swallow those. Shut up. I know I'm 24 and can't swallow like a literal tic tac candy. Shut up. I'm just going to chew it. Let's see what happens.

Bulletproof Vest

So, this doesn't count as an illegal item. I forget that I'm not in Canada sometimes, and you could buy a tank and wrap it the same way Jojo Siwa wrapped her Tesla, and it would be perfectly legal. But in Canada, it's illegal to own a bulletproof vest because who would be shooting at whom? It's Canada. I can't imagine a situation where you think you need to order, ironically, a bulletproof vest off TikTok Shop. I can't lie; this feels like it was made in a Shein factory. Now it's time to test it. I'm going to get my roommate to bring out an AK-47 and multiple times. Hit me with that bottle right here.

The Shock Pen

I have always been a sucker for torture devices repackaged as $ 5 little fun toys sold at candy stores, and I think this one's really good because it has one review, and they just said, "Ouchie." I saw too much joy in my roommate's eyes when he did that, so I have the perfect person to use this on. This shock pen is labeled for ages 14 and up; if you're 13, you can't get electrocuted. But if you're 14, get zapped, I guess.

Let's test it. Ouch, it works!

Fake Weed

I don't think many people are looking for TikTok Shop to be their plug. One of the reviews says, "I smoked this stuff, ended up in the emergency room." What the heck is this? Ew, what is this substance? It’s like squishy. It's like waxy. It smells like a Yankee Candle. What is this? It's like meltable candle wax. How bored are these white moms making candles that they were like, "Let's make realistic-looking weed nuggets." So does that mean that the person who tried smoking this just inhaled a candle, and that's why they went to the hospital?

Joe Biden Powdered Lean

If you listened to rap music from 2016 to 2018, you probably know what lean is. But what is Joe Biden powdered lean? Worst case scenario, it tastes like if Joe Biden gave back shots to one of the crazy purple minions, and then you juiced the sheets afterward. Best case scenario, it's just a powdered version of a schedule II drug. Also, it has no reviews, so I'm just assuming everyone died from it.

Final Thoughts

Our ancestors were picking berries and hunting wild boars for food, and now we have this. Hello from me two days later. It's 4 in the morning; I’ve slept 4 hours in the past 48 hours. I think that was straight caffeine, and I have no good way to end this article. So I just want to say thank you, lots of love to you. I'm going to go hang out on our Discord, discord.gg/benoftheweek, and probably someone will sing me a bedtime story. Also, please subscribe with a good night.

Keywords

• TikTok Shop
• Piercing Kit
• Rose Toy
• Neck Cracker
• Lip Plumper
• Uranium Glass
• Laxative Pills
• Bulletproof Vest
• Shock Pen
• Fake Weed
• Joe Biden Powdered Lean

FAQ

Q: Is it safe to buy products from TikTok Shop?
A: Many of the products listed on TikTok Shop have questionable safety standards. Always read reviews and use caution.

Q: Are the products on TikTok Shop real?
A: Some products, like the uranium glass, might not be what they seem. Verify the authenticity before purchasing.

Q: Can I get in trouble for buying banned items from TikTok Shop?
A: Yes, buying prohibited items like certain defensive gear or misrepresented products might lead to legal issues.

Q: What should I not buy from TikTok Shop?
A: Avoid buying anything that can harm you, such as piercing kits, laxative pills, and dubious gadgets that mimic adult toys.

Q: Has anyone ever been hurt by TikTok Shop products?
A: Some reviews imply serious consequences, including emergency room visits, from using certain products.